Freaked Out

Only two days left before my first class.

Even if everything was perfectly ready, I would never feel like I am ready. And I am not ready. It’s just impossible for me to be ready.

I’ve been reading the textbook, but things are never soaked in my head. I’ve been checking the syllabus, and there’s always something I am tempted to change. I’ve been trying to relax, but nothing works.

H told me that for stage actors waiting in the wings, some degree of nervousness is necessary. It shows how much you care about the quality of your performance.

All fear is bondage.
All life is an experiment.
… Okay.
But all I can think about is a disaster: getting lost in class, spiraling out of control, finding all the students bored, etc. etc.

Oh, boy.

While we haven’t met in person, students have started talking to each other in our online classroom. They all sound nice. Seems like many of them know each other since last semester, and I heard they are a nice group of people. In fact, I already know some of them, and they are nice.

Well, having nice students should be nice. Just doesn’t really help me at the moment, though.

Then this morning, I got a message from one of the students:

Hello emi,

I think I already like the class even before our first face-to-face class.
This might be an unusual thing to say, but maybe it is because anything
that deals with languages motivates me.

I should appreciate it. It is encouraging. It is, really. If I say I am about to be crushed by the expectation, you would think that I am too overly negative. Yes I am. No kidding. Not at all.

Let me take a deep breath.

「Freaked Out」への2件のフィードバック

  1. From “The Bhagavad Gita” Chap2;47
    You have a right to perform your prescribed duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action. Never conider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, and never be attched to not doing your duty.

  2. >Kiki
    Thanks for the quote. Hm. What if I am not qualified for the "right" but given the "duty" by mistake? That happens.